Post by Joe Ragnal/Chrysta on Jul 29, 2007 0:17:04 GMT -5
Announcer: And now…here’s Weekend Update! With your anchorguy, Joe Ragnal!
*The graphic transitions to Joe Ragnal, sitting behind a news desk with a map of the world behind him. Joe appears to be doodling on the papers on his desk, then looks up into the camera as he slaps a hand on top of the desk. There’s apparently an audience present, as applauding can be heard.*
Joe: Hello, everyone! I’m Joe Ragnal, and you suck!
*Laughter from the audience is heard as Joe grabs the papers and shuffles them, then looks to read them.*
Joe: Regarding the news this week in GWC, Viva La GWC has been done and over with, and everyone is feeling the after effects, most notably Chris Andretti.
*A small picture box thing most news things use appears on screen to the left of Joe’s head showing Andretti being hauled off by the police.*
Joe: Yup. After getting drunk on the French’s finest wines, Andretti was fined for destroying his hotel room, breaking down the walls, and destroying two MORE hotel rooms! After these actions, Andretti was released from GWC, fined, and told by the French to “Nevair return to ze countryside, oui oui!”
*More laughter from the audience. The picture box now shows a picture of Zak Warner.*
Joe: also after this week’s Assault, “The Disciple” Zak Warner has announced that he will be a new man, and has dropped the “The Disciple” moniker. Expect Warner to change his name to “Zakko”.
*The audience laughs as the picture box changes to a picture of the Warner Brothers (And their sister Dot), with Zak’s face pasted over Yakko’s. This makes the audience laugh even louder, and making some clap. Joe waits for the audience to die down, and then the picture changes to Talan Trenor.*
Joe: Speaking of name changes, Drake Kencedro has now become Talan Trenor. When asked about this announcement, Drake told us, “Talan Trenor? I was going for Talent Renter!”
*The audience laughs as the graphic adds a “Will Rent” sign hanging around Talan’s neck.*
Joe: So yes, if you see Talan pulling off moves from Batista or Jericho, remember. He’s renting their talent.
*More laughing from the audience as the graphic changes to that of Nikki Venus.*
Joe: Nikki Venus also announced that at Tribulation, if GWC wins, then she will no longer be seen on GWC television. This does not mean, however, that she’ll be taken off the payroll. See, secretly she’s agreed to…well, I can’t say.
*The graphic changes to a black box with “CENSORED” written on it.*
Joe: And nope, nope, sorry, we can’t even show you. But, to help me explain it, is our analyst, Xavier Cross. Xavier?
*The camera pans to the right to show Xavier Cross wearing a tie with his normal attire. The audience cheers wildly for Xavier as he smiles, looking around him. He waits for the audience to silence, so that he can explain himself.*
Xavier: ………………………………………….Wang.
*The audience becomes wild with laughter, and clap Xavier for his efforts. Cross bows, and the camera pans back over to Joe, who himself is laughing his butt off.*
Joe: Xavier Cross, ladies and gentlemen!
*The camera closes in on his face, and the graphic changes to a picture of the EPW guys.*
Joe: And in other news, EPW are a bunch of douches just looking to get beat. At Tribulation, they will be beaten so badly that they are tarred and feathered…then roasted…after Tribulation when they run hom to EPW.
*Joe picks up a turkey leg, and takes a bite into it.*
Joe: Mmm…that’s some great tasting Stargazer right there.
*More audience laughter.*
Joe: Also, folks, this week on Assault, I will be facing Pillar, Brian the Wolfman, and, of course, Talent Renter.
*The audience laughs hard once more.*
Joe: Just to be serious for a second, please. Now I know, this is my third contendership match and yeah, it might be my third chance at the title should I win, but to be honest…this one’s a no brainer. I mean, dude, we have Talent Renter, the only dude who’s from EPW in this match. Right now, the EPeons are prolly so split amongst themselves with all the missed title shots, all the titles they lost within a week that none of them can come and help the dude that’ll even take Snitsky’s talent just to work a match.
*The audience laughs hard at the last line.*
Joe: Or Pillar, even. Pill’s been out of action for quite some time, prolly because he grew cold feet and couldn’t move around the ring for months with those blocks of ice being so heavy. But hey, he’s slide around the ring, so that helps…unless he got hit with a drop toe-hold. Regardless, the ice blocks melted away, and Pillar’s ready to get back into the ring and prove that he’s still capable of climbing back up the ladder. Unfortunately for him…
*Joe crouches under the desk and pulls out a saw.*
Joe: I cut off the low rungs of the ladder on my way up. So nobody’s climbing from there.
*The audience looses it with this last one.*
Joe: Finally, Michael J. Fox’s character in Teen Wolf. Brian Wolf. So, to be honest, he’s still new here, don’t know well enough about him, except he fought a guy over the name of “Wolf”. I mean, wow. I wasn’t aware wolf was such a copyrightable term, right? Regardless, Wolf is a prime guy for this title…but odds are, he’s gonna be howling in pain by the end of the night.
*The audience applauds and laughs at this.*
Joe: Well, that’s it for me. I’m Joe Ragnal, and I collect Magic; the Gathering. Good night!
*The audience cheers the segment on as Joe spins around at his desk seat, and the scene fades out.*
