Post by Bobby Cairo on Aug 14, 2007 0:08:04 GMT -5
What the fuck is this? The man put the fluid on the windshield. Was this Cairo's vehicle? Yes it was. The kids in Suffolk Beach can't find work. Their inability to build faster cupcakes resulted in their ouster. Cairo is sympathetic to their cause. Cairo built a home, a Coventry cottage. He was inspired by the vision of TS Eliot, a fellow social vermin. Cairo approaches his vehicle as the young man with the squeegee does his work.
Bobby Cairo: Hark the herald angel sings. Twenty-six rosary beads and a shot up your asshole, young man.
The kid looks up at Cairo and winces. This is not the face that such a young man wants to see. The young man has heard the stories of Cairo's instability, such wrath reserved mostly for Charles Manson or Albert Einstein. Cairo's "Kanye West don't care about straight people" t-shirt adds another layer to this stinking onion.
Bobby Cairo: What is your name, sir? Are you from the government? Should I karate chop your brain?
Cairo gets into the old "Superstar" Billy Graham kung fu stance and gestures for the young man to "bring it on." The kid is clearly frazzled as he eeks out the words "My name is Bob" with a pronounced lisp. Cairo is astounded, his mouth agape.
Bobby Cairo: You are Bob? I am Bob! Well, actually I'm Bobby, but you get what I'm saying! Give me a high five, young man! Let us celebrate with Heineken!
Cairo puts down the ice cooler that he was carrying and reaches in to grab a couple of Heinies. Cairo tosses the kid a can and cracks open one of his own. They raise their beers to salute before downing the hearty beverage.
Bobby Cairo: This is Americana, Bob. Fuck all of these X-Files conspiracy theorists and proponents of nuclear disaster. Now we're living and can't nobody take that away from us!
Suddenly the world turns black. Cairo is on the ground. The young man named Bob ponders a question, "Something wrong, Mr. Cairo?" The lisp is gone and, frankly, that don't sound like no punk teenager. Cairo looks up and sees a gray-haired man in a dark suit. The morning sun has turned to blackened night skies. The wrinkles in the old man's face are illuminated by the glow of the street light.
Bobby Cairo: So this is the end game, Mr. Travers? I didn't even get to enjoy my last beer?
The old man named Travers takes a puff of his cigarette before exhaling sharply.
Travers: This isn't about you, Cairo. You are but a mere pawn in an international crisis. You will be summarily disposed of to make room on the company payroll.
Bobby Cairo: No. You can't do this to me. I'm an American dignitary!
Travers stares with cold eyes at Cairo as he unholsters his .357 Magnum.
Travers: Yes, and Kennedy was an American president. Good night, Mr. Cairo.
Travers aims the gun at Cairo and pulls back the hammer. Cairo grimaces, sweat pouring down his brow. Travers pulls the trigger, but Biohazard swoops in at the last second and knocks the gun from his hand. The bullet ricochets off a hubcap and lodges itself in an old, oak tree. Biohazard drops Travers with a Tornado DDT off the hood of his government-issued Ford Taurus. Biohazard walks over and helps Cairo to his feet.
Bobby Cairo: We're going to France.
Biohazard: What?
Bobby Cairo: We're gonna hang out in Paris for a while and make movies.
Biohazard: Oh...I thought we could go out for pizza.
Bobby Cairo: Sorry, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
A man that looks like filmmaker and sitcom star Tyler Perry pulls up in an Oldsmobile and screams out the window.
Tyler Perry Lookalike: I'm black!
Bobby Cairo: That's very funny, Mr. Perry. I don't say queer as folk. I say queer as fuck...hmmm? Queer ass fuck! Tee hee!
Tyler Perry Lookalike: I am not an applecart. You cannot upset me!
Cairo peers at Biohazard's t-shirt, which reads "Brotherhood of the Volkswagen."
Tyler Perry Lookalike: I renew my objection to these proceedings. All my heroes are dead men!
The Perry lookalike speeds off into the night in his vintage American automobile. Cairo and Biohazard use Travers' laptop computer to access a diagram, an outline planned for their escape.
Bobby Cairo: If we do this right, they will never find us. Are we ever coming back to this?
Biohazard: Not gonna happen, Bobby. I have seen both Heaven and Hell... and I choose neither! I do not relate to theocracy! We shall have our cake and eat it too!
Cairo and Biohazard continue their research as late night turns to early morning. Travers awakens, the hounds are howling in the distance; Cairo and Biohazard remain unhallowed...
Bobby Cairo: Hark the herald angel sings. Twenty-six rosary beads and a shot up your asshole, young man.
The kid looks up at Cairo and winces. This is not the face that such a young man wants to see. The young man has heard the stories of Cairo's instability, such wrath reserved mostly for Charles Manson or Albert Einstein. Cairo's "Kanye West don't care about straight people" t-shirt adds another layer to this stinking onion.
Bobby Cairo: What is your name, sir? Are you from the government? Should I karate chop your brain?
Cairo gets into the old "Superstar" Billy Graham kung fu stance and gestures for the young man to "bring it on." The kid is clearly frazzled as he eeks out the words "My name is Bob" with a pronounced lisp. Cairo is astounded, his mouth agape.
Bobby Cairo: You are Bob? I am Bob! Well, actually I'm Bobby, but you get what I'm saying! Give me a high five, young man! Let us celebrate with Heineken!
Cairo puts down the ice cooler that he was carrying and reaches in to grab a couple of Heinies. Cairo tosses the kid a can and cracks open one of his own. They raise their beers to salute before downing the hearty beverage.
Bobby Cairo: This is Americana, Bob. Fuck all of these X-Files conspiracy theorists and proponents of nuclear disaster. Now we're living and can't nobody take that away from us!
Suddenly the world turns black. Cairo is on the ground. The young man named Bob ponders a question, "Something wrong, Mr. Cairo?" The lisp is gone and, frankly, that don't sound like no punk teenager. Cairo looks up and sees a gray-haired man in a dark suit. The morning sun has turned to blackened night skies. The wrinkles in the old man's face are illuminated by the glow of the street light.
Bobby Cairo: So this is the end game, Mr. Travers? I didn't even get to enjoy my last beer?
The old man named Travers takes a puff of his cigarette before exhaling sharply.
Travers: This isn't about you, Cairo. You are but a mere pawn in an international crisis. You will be summarily disposed of to make room on the company payroll.
Bobby Cairo: No. You can't do this to me. I'm an American dignitary!
Travers stares with cold eyes at Cairo as he unholsters his .357 Magnum.
Travers: Yes, and Kennedy was an American president. Good night, Mr. Cairo.
Travers aims the gun at Cairo and pulls back the hammer. Cairo grimaces, sweat pouring down his brow. Travers pulls the trigger, but Biohazard swoops in at the last second and knocks the gun from his hand. The bullet ricochets off a hubcap and lodges itself in an old, oak tree. Biohazard drops Travers with a Tornado DDT off the hood of his government-issued Ford Taurus. Biohazard walks over and helps Cairo to his feet.
Bobby Cairo: We're going to France.
Biohazard: What?
Bobby Cairo: We're gonna hang out in Paris for a while and make movies.
Biohazard: Oh...I thought we could go out for pizza.
Bobby Cairo: Sorry, it doesn't look like that's going to happen.
A man that looks like filmmaker and sitcom star Tyler Perry pulls up in an Oldsmobile and screams out the window.
Tyler Perry Lookalike: I'm black!
Bobby Cairo: That's very funny, Mr. Perry. I don't say queer as folk. I say queer as fuck...hmmm? Queer ass fuck! Tee hee!
Tyler Perry Lookalike: I am not an applecart. You cannot upset me!
Cairo peers at Biohazard's t-shirt, which reads "Brotherhood of the Volkswagen."
Tyler Perry Lookalike: I renew my objection to these proceedings. All my heroes are dead men!
The Perry lookalike speeds off into the night in his vintage American automobile. Cairo and Biohazard use Travers' laptop computer to access a diagram, an outline planned for their escape.
Bobby Cairo: If we do this right, they will never find us. Are we ever coming back to this?
Biohazard: Not gonna happen, Bobby. I have seen both Heaven and Hell... and I choose neither! I do not relate to theocracy! We shall have our cake and eat it too!
Cairo and Biohazard continue their research as late night turns to early morning. Travers awakens, the hounds are howling in the distance; Cairo and Biohazard remain unhallowed...
